Formal Introductions and Kids
By Neena on Jul 5, 2007 in Children of All Ages
Today, I was driving my oldest and youngest child to a Fourth of July picnic at child #1’s friends house. It just so happens that my child’s friend lives on the same street as an old friend of mine - someone I haven’t seen for quite some time.
Lo and behold, my old friend and her husband were out in the yard as I drove past. Of course, I stopped to say hello and we quickly tried to do the 5 minute catch up. Child #1, who is eleven years old began to get restless as we chatted because he wanted to get to his friends house. The couple I was speaking with tried to engage my son in conversation and his replies were polite yet brief.
Ultimately, my son decided he couldn’t wait any longer and announced, “I am walking over. See you there.” as he hopped out of the minivan and hoofed the two house distance. No goodbye, no nice to see you - nothing.
I was embarrassed by his rude behavior. My friends took it in stride - 11 year olds are just that way. But after the picnic, I made it clear to my son that his behavior was rude and that I expect more. I gave him the words that he should have used - “Mom, would you mind if I walked to my friends house? It’s ok? Thank you. It was nice to see you Mr. and Mrs. moms friends.”
My son understood but his comment gave me pause. “But mom, I didn’t know who they were.”
You see, I never introduced him. My friends knew who HE was. But he met them years ago and no longer remembers the faces or the names.
I am notoriously bad and making introductions. However, the importance of making formal introductions is far reaching:
- First, you are modeling behavior that you want your children to copy. They should learn how to introduce people. As they get older, the roles will reverse and there will be situations where the kids will need to introduce you to their friends.
- Second, by making the introduction, you are personally involving the children in the conversation. This will encourage the common courtesy that they should show to an acquaintance, as opposed to a stranger.
- Third, you are giving them an anchor point. “Son, you remember so and so from your brother’s baseball team. This is their mother Mrs. A”.
There is no excuse for my son’s behavior today but I do realize that I could have made it easier for him.
17 Comment(s)
By melissamarkham on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
Excellent post and points!
By Neena on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
Thanks, Melissa!
By Anonymous on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
It was not your child’s fault, but yours. You were rude to him. “Of course, I stopped…” was the wrong thing to do. Next time something like this occurs, you drive your son to his destination and then come back to talk to your friends. Or at least ask your child if it’s ok to stop for a minute. When you have been polite with him, you can expect him to be polite with you and your friends.
By Neena on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
Anonymous,
I completely disagree.
Children are just that - children.
And they need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and their schedules. They also need to learn flexibility. If I take a few minutes to say hello to my friends they need to learn patience. Often, I wait politely for them at playdates and activities while they socialize with their friends. I am not the hired help or the chauffeur.
If you want to raise self-centered, selfish children then your approach is the one to take.
By Anonymous on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
neena, I don’t ask you to only be your kid’s chauffeur. But if you want politeness from your kids you have to be polite to them in the first place - even if they are just kids as you put it. And being polite is what you haven’t been. It’s not a question of what you did for them some time in the past, that YOU waited for THEM back then. Then, their behaviour was rude. Yesterday, yours was. Be a good (polite) role model in the actual situation, all the time. Not only, when it suits you.
By Neena on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
Sorry, anonymous, but you are not going to convince me.
Being a part of a family is give and take. When we are out and my children run into one of their friends I wait for them to say hello and spend a few minutes socializing - it IS the polite thing to do. In fact, I also say hello to their friends and involve myself in the conversation. My children are not being rude by making me wait.
Likewise, I expect the same treatment from the kids. When I run into someone I know, it would be rude of me and my family to just pass them by. We are not talking about hours and hours but just a few minutes to say hello.
And the point you are missing is that my son should have politely asked me if he could walk up to his friends house, and excused himself instead of just jumping out of the van without a backward glance.
My behavior was not rude but just the opposite, incredibly polite. I am teaching the kids to be flexible and to take a few minutes of their precious time to recognize others. If they model my actions they will go far.
By Anonymous on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
I agree with you. You shouldn’t bend to the child’s whims. Then, they’ll walk all over you. Especially a child about to go into middle school, trust me on this one. I am a middle school teacher. I have seen far too many parents bend to their child’s whims and madness ensues. The child begins to realize that they have the upper hand and is able to dictate how the child AND the parent should act! Not only does this make it difficult for the family, the child transfers this behavior into the classroom and ends up being disruptive and disrespectful. This, in turn, creates a difficult situation for the teacher and the other students.
I also agree that if you would have introduced #1 first, then he might have been more patient or polite to your friends. The only way to foster patience and/or politeness is to give your child a model to work from.
By Neena on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
Aaah - I think I have two different anonymous commenters. To anonymous #2, thank you for the support.
What we are talking about here is mutual respect. And the past is very important as it does set a precedent.
If I patiently wait for my children in many situations, they need to afford me the same respect and understanding when I need them to wait for me.
By Anonymous on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
neena, maybe you ommitted part of the story to make it more poignant and therefore I don’t understand your point.
But you say “…that my son should have politely asked me…” - which is exactly the part that makes me think you have been rude to him in the first place: you stop a two-house-walk away from his final destination, make a 5 minute chat from the car window without asking your son to excuse YOU and expect HIM to be polite and excuse himself before he leaves? In my eyes, the better way would have been to wave at your friends, drive him the last two houses and then come back to your friends and have plenty of time to talk to them.
Maybe just for a minute put yourself in your son’s place and imagine on the driver’s seat would really have been a paid chauffeur, i.e. a taxi driver who would stop two houses away from where you wanted to go and has a chat with some of his friends. How long do you think would you politely sit in the back and wait for him to complete his chatting? Remember: you don’t know how long it will take and you can already see the house where you want to go! I would find that a very rude behaviour and would not say “Dear Mr. Taxi Driver, excuse me, I will go now. Thank you for driving me that far and here’s a large tip.”
Or, would you have acted the same way if your passenger instead of your kid had been your elderly mother on her way to an appointment with her physician?
I think you might have considered her needs much more and would not have stopped for such a long time so close to her destination. If so, what would be the reason for a different behaviour towards children?
I myself am a father of four and don’t like to picture me solely as their (unpaid) chauffeur. But sometimes I am just that and then I have to fullfill this task before I think of my needs or wishes. I can not make them wait for something that is not an emergency - which it wasn’t in your case.
What strikes me as so rude in your behaviour is the relation between “5 minute chat” and “two houses away”. That must make an eleven year old nervous…
But I will stop here argueing for a point that is not the one you wanted to make with your blog entry and with which I agree completely: apply the same formal introduction rules to your kids as you would with anybody else. Hm, maybe it’s not that far away from my comment: apply the same politeness to your kids than you would with anybody else. Anyway: keep up contemplating and writing about raising your three kids.
Regards from Germany
Alex
(Excuse my English, it’s not my mother tongue)
By Neena on Jul 5, 2007 | Reply
Hello Alex,
I appreciate the spice that you have added to my blog today. But I still do not agree.
If I were a paid driver then I certainly would not have stopped as I would have been receiving compensation for the ride. This would also put my passenger in the position of my employer. My child is not my employer.
If I were taking my mother, my child, or anyone else to an appointment and we were late I would not have stopped - but if we were on the early side then perhaps I might have. My parents enjoy meeting my friends much as I enjoy meeting their friends and my children’s friends. As we were going to a holiday picnic at his friend’s house, there were no time constraints. It was a day of visiting and leisure. I, too, was invited to the picnic.
And why, I ask, do you put your unpaid parental chauffeuring duties in front of your own needs and wishes. Are you not teaching your children that their needs and wishes are more important than yours?
It was nice chatting with you Alex. Thank you for commenting.
By Alex on Jul 6, 2007 | Reply
neena, you wrote: “And why, I ask, do you put your unpaid parental chauffeuring duties in front of your own needs and wishes.”
Well, I allways put my duties in front of my wishes, as I expect my children and everybody else! So, when my duty is chauffeuring (even if I don’t like it that much), I will complete that duty first before I think about my wish to chat.
Than you wrote: “Are you not teaching your children that their needs and wishes are more important than yours?”
Frankly, I’m not sure if I understand your point here at all. Nobody’s wishes and needs are more important than anybody else’s. Every person, kid or adult, has the same right to pursue his wishes. If they conflict with anybody else’s wishes, one has to find a just compromise. My parental wishes are not per se more important or valuable than my kid’s.
As you put it earler: it’s all a question of mutual respect, with the emphasis on mutual.
By Neena on Jul 6, 2007 | Reply
Dear Alex,
I think we must just agree to disagree. Perhaps our differences of opinion are societal.
Life here is not as structured and rigid as yours appears to be.
Thank you for commenting.
By Alex on Jul 6, 2007 | Reply
Hi neena,
as you said “I think we must just agree to disagree.”
Because I absolutely don’t see how you could come to this conclusion:
“Life here is not as structured and rigid as yours appears to be.”
From what you and the middle school teacher write, I came to the same conclusion - but the other way round! I had the impression that you both were expecting much more adult behaviour from an eleven year old than I and my peers (other parents) would.
In the end, all boils down to me having a problem in understanding and expressing myself in a foreign language
By Neena on Jul 6, 2007 | Reply
Alex,
You have the last word.
By Karen on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
Great post Nina- manners and respect for elders is something every child needs to learn!Bravo to you!
On a side note, it looked like Alex’s english was pretty good, but just had an opposite POV. Oh well! I guess that is what makes life interesting.
Karen
http://glutenfreefoodreviews.com
By Neena on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your vote of confidence. Alex did add a bit of color to this blog last week. Interesting it was.
By trish on Jul 18, 2007 | Reply
That is so true Neena. So often we don’t realize until after the fact that we haven’t modelled the best manners either. Ah well…we are human and as long as we learn from it right?